Don't Look Directly Into the Camera

Get a load of this, did you know that plants, in all actuality, are every color except green. Did you know that? It's a fact. I'm not Mr. Wizard but I do know that plants live by absorbing light from the sun, this is called photosynthesis. Light, much like the color white, contains every color imaginable, that's why you can see rainbows on your wall when you are checking out all the cool geodes you got for Christmas. Anyways, back to plants and the color green. Plants absorb light from the sun (getting every color imaginable like I said before) in order to survive. But did you know that in the hierarchy of colors and their "nutritious value" green is right there at the bottom, kind of like the pure Crisco of the color food pyramid. Now, I'm no dietologist, but I know some sound items of logic when it comes to what I put in my mouth, and Crisco does not enter without being escorted in with some cool cookie or something. Plants feel the same way about the color green. So, instead of inhaling the color green they spew it out like we would a nugget of Crisco. It is actually this spewing out the color green that makes them appear green to us. Surprise!

You might be asking, "What does this have to do with anything?". There is a purpose to this. And here it is. TV is my sun if I were a plant and the TV show "The Office" is my color green. That's right, THE OFFICE!... I spew out "The Office". I know I just lost half of the three people actually reading this blog (Kelly, I guess I only lost half of you) but the truth needs to come out. The thing is, I don't reserve this opinion of mine for my blog only, I have looked people in the eye and told them this. I have yet to be punched, but my sense of humor has been brought into question more than once. So, for the sake of the good name of my sense of humor I have written this blog entry to plee my case: Not guilty of being without a sense of humor!

When I tell people to their faces that I don't like "The Office" their first accusation is almost always the same: "But haven't you ever worked for a guy like Michael? That's what makes it so funny!" To answer the question; yes. Yes I have worked for a guy like Michael, but that doesn't make it funny. I quit Crown Books a month and a half into the job because I needed to get away from my "Michael", why would I want to see him on TV? Isn't TV supposed to be an escape? The ultimate escape from our all too realistic lives? Why would I escape from my "Michael" or my "Dwight" or my "Pam" just to watch them on TV? It makes as much sense as white chocolate. Here is a novel idea; if we are going to combine the cool world of TV with our good-as-it-gets life on planet earth why don't we meet a real life Doogie Howser? Imagine all the good that there would be in the world if we all knew a kid like Doogie... trust me on this, there would be a good sugar free candy by now if we all knew a Doogie Howser. I watch TV to meet people that I really would want to meet in real life: G.O.B. Bluth for one. Lets just put it out there plainly, I would not be a bachelor right now if we all knew a Liz Lemon or an Elaine Benes. TV! Stop mixing real life with TV life! It is either too good to be real, or too real to be funny!

Now that the first accusation has been put to shame, it is time to move onto the second one; "Oh, but it is sooooo funny. Last night Michael blah blah blah then Stanley blah blah blah... it was soooo awkward. I am so jolly right now!". Most people who tell me this do it with their fist half way down their throats. I don't know why people make a fist and stick it in their mouths when they talk about how awesomely awkward "The Office" is, but they do... just ask someone how awkward "The Office" is and they will commence to stick their fist in their mouth and tell you that it is more awkward than getting caught picking your nose and getting a bloody nose for it. Different accusation towards my sense of humor, same answer: I don't watch TV to feel awkward. Period. If I wanted to feel awkward I would bleach the tips of my hair or eat chili all day and jump rope everywhere I go.

Now here is my chance to appeal in the court of who has a refined sense of humor or not. The show is formulaic. It gets the same laughs for the same gaphs everytime. Don't believe me? Alright, lets play a game. The next time you are watching "The Office" you HAVE to change the channel as soon as Jim looks at the camera to get a laugh. Make it fun, create some kind of playoff where all the episodes compete against eachother to get the longest air time on your TV. If you get to the first commercial break on 20% of them then you deserve a gold medal or something.